Everyday was tense, filled with high-riding emotions and uncertainty. It was like walking on eggshells. Was the next thing I said going to blow up into an argument? I had to watch my mouth, my moves and my emotions in order to not rock the boat. This was my marriage.
Before my mind and spirit were awakened, it was like living in a daze. Like being cuffed around the wrists, unable to be the true person I was. How did I even get into this place? It’s ironic because my husband thought I needed therapy and sent me to a clinical psychologist – but what I was about to uncover would surprise me and change my life forever. A dear friend also suggested I see a life coach and although I wasn’t entirely sure what they could do to help me, I decided to try both avenues, simultaneously. After all, one of them must have had the answers to why I was feeling stuck and lifeless.
Fast forward a year into therapy and coaching and I had transitioned into a different woman. A woman that no longer fitted the mold of my previous self. And a woman that no longer fitted into the confines of my marriage. The journey of this transformation led me to becoming more of my higher self – emotionally, mentally and physically. In the process, I detached and disengaged from what was no longer serving me. Emotionally, I had detached myself from my partner and our relationship, as it was becoming apparent that it was toxic to my well-being. The trouble now was that I had transitioned internally whilst my external circumstances stayed the same.
Making the choice to leave a marriage has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. It took every ounce of my being not to crumble or give into living with complacency. It was the biggest transition in my life so far. After going through the ending itself and then the neutral phase of change (where you’re not yet ready to fully embrace the new beginning) I discovered more of my purpose. It’s now a couple of years later, and who I am today is nowhere near the person I was. What got me here, could potentially help you too. Here are some lessons I learned which may be able to help you:
- You either become someone new internally first and then make external changes; or you make external changes first and then choose to become someone new internally as a result.
- The end is also the beginning. Life is a cycle – and when we accept that it can be messy and that life doesn’t always have a straight path – we can begin to embrace change and endings with more grace and ease.
- One person’s positive change can be another person’s negative change. Be mindful of how your choices affect those closest to you. You are only ever responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and emotions – but this does not mean you cannot empathize and acknowledge others through life’s changes.
- It’s often necessary to make courageous decisions because in so doing, we shed the old ways of being and patterns that may be keeping us stuck and stagnant. Overcoming fear and learning to face fear head on is one of the greatest things you can do for yourself.
- Marriage requires two conscious individuals to commit to love and change. Each person will change in some ways. Flexibility, grace and acceptance are needed to carry you through the tough times and turn difficulties into opportunities.
- Spend time in the “neutral zone” between the ending and the new beginning. It can be difficult – and most people want to avoid it because of the sheer pain and discomfort. But this is where magic and transformation can happen. Take one step and day at a time. Be patient with yourself and trust the process. Ask yourself – what do I need today?
- The three initial steps to change and transition are awareness, acceptance and conscious choice. First, I became aware of the type of relationship I was in as I also became more aware of myself. Next, I accepted the relationship for what it was. Lastly, I made the conscious choice to make an external change so that my internal self could find more peace, freedom and purpose.
Your lifetime is guaranteed to have many endings and beginnings. Some you will choose and others you won’t. I chose divorce and I chose to thrive through and because of it. If a life of purpose, freedom and flow are possible for me, then they are certainly possible for you.